Six Years Ago

Like any other day, I went to work.

I sat in staff meeting.

I was irritated with my co-workers.

I started through the piles on my desk.

The phone rang.

It was my mom.

She told me I needed to go home, and she would call me back.

She wanted to talk to my boss.

I left, full of questions, but confident I would be back soon.

Rebecca met me at the house.

We waited for the phone call.

I answered it.

It was my dad.

"Rachael, your brother John died this morning."

Rebecca was sitting on the stairs.

I was standing in living room.

She started screaming.

After that, things were a blur. I remember packing my bags, making arrangements for my dog, waiting for a ride to Logan. Rebecca and I sat in the back seat of my dad's friend's car on the long drive to Logan.

Little was said.

So many questions ran through my mind.

The tears wouldn't stop.

We got to the house.

Peace.

I have never felt the Spirit of God as strongly as when I walked in the door of my parent's home. Everyone was gathered in the living room. The Bishop was there. For some reason the tears stopped. Peace prevailed.

Months and months later we still never had any physical answers on the cause of my brother's death. To this day we still do not know why. All we can rely on is our testimonies of God's plan, and knowledge that we will be reunited again.

My brother John was amazing. The Herald Journal (the local newspaper) published this article about him:



Goodbye to a bright star
10/06/02 Arrin Brunson

It’s been dark and dreary in Cache Valley all week. The sun still comes up every morning like it always has, but it is shining somewhere else. The same is true for John Patrick Nolan, who died Monday after a short life of only 22 years.

During his lifetime John’s mother, Renee Nolan, retooled the words to the well-known song, “You are my sunshine” and often told her first son, “You are my son. Shine.” I don’t know much about the details of John’s passing, except that he died of natural causes. I do know many of the details of John’s life and am dedicating this news space to him today because his extraordinary experience demands it and, because after days of trying, I still can’t write about anything else.

John did shine, and his parents, siblings, extended family and friends are comforted by the belief that he is shining in a better place now, after living a life above reproach. He accomplished more in his short life than many of us will in a long lifetime.

Like many of the people I interview and write about, John first touched my life as I worked on a news story about his remarkable gifts, talents and efforts back in May 1999. John learned to read when he was two years old and began writing DOS computer programs when he was in third grade. Using his chart-topping IQ, Nolan began his college education at age 15 with advanced placement classes at Logan High School and the concurrent enrollment program at USU. He earned about 40 college credits during his sophomore year of high school and convinced school officials to let him go to USU full time as a junior. John continued his concurrent studies and graduated from Logan High School while carrying a full schedule of challenging courses at the university year-round. Though a scholarship paid for John’s tuition, he bought his books and paid the other expenses by working as a dishwasher at Logan Nursing & Rehabilitation Center.

John was only 19 years and 9 days old when he graduated from Utah State University with a bachelor’s degree in computational mathematics. He served an LDS mission and returned to USU to earn a master’s degree, which will be awarded posthumously at graduation ceremonies in May. I’ve been told that John was headed for Stanford next year to earn his doctorate.

He was a talented musician and traveled internationally playing the viola with a string quartet. He was a member of USU’s ballroom dance club and did much more than dance in this organization. He served in whatever capacity was needed, and enjoyed doing so.

Although John’s genius and hard work gave him unlimited potential, in my opinion these were not his greatest qualities. I got to know him better when he returned from his mission and took a job as the Herald Journal’s webmaster at age 21, where he worked until the time he began his master’s degree. We sat across from each other and soon became friends. John’s level of intellectual functioning was planes above most of the people he met, but he never had any airs about him. He was a know-it-all who never acted like one. Physically, John was a big man, taller than most. He was polite and well mannered. He was kind. He worked the long and unusual hours the job required without complaint. I never knew until his passing that John suffered from unexplainable and debilitating migraine headaches. Amid the chaos that sometimes happens in a newsroom, seated amidst reporters, sportswriters and editors, John was a calming influence. He was easy to trust and therefore, easy to confide in. He was never judgmental and I never heard him say anything mean or negative about anyone.

Outside of this job, John had close friendships with his elementary school pals who eventually became his college roommates. He was very gracious when presented with a birthday present last year — a camp chair to furnish that meager dwelling. John also enjoyed good relationships with his supportive, close-knit family members. There was never doubt about his religious convictions.

This young man didn’t have to die for those who knew him to recognize his greatness. The more we knew of him, the more we knew he was exceptional. I always thought he would make a great husband and father and regret he won’t have the chance to experience these wonders of life. Although it is human nature to immortalize our loved ones after death, the good qualities attributed to John Nolan this week have not been exaggerated. One can only imagine the contributions John might’ve made had he lived longer. He did contribute much while he was here, though, and his passing is the world’s loss. Those fortunate enough to have known him were better for it and we will miss him.

About three months before John died, all us kids gave our dad an heirloom Book of Mormon with our testimonies written in the back. This is John's:

A statement of belief is more powerful than one of knowledge because it cannot be contradicted and it demands no proof. Therefore, I make here a statement of what I have willfully chosen to believe, often in spite of its popularity among men. I offer no evidence of my belief, only the example of my own life and how I have affected the lives of others.

I believe in the sanctity of life and in its value as a learning experience. I have no less literally spiritual parents than physical ones; I am the offspring of God, and as such I have a limitless potential of my own. I believe my performance in this life will not be judged against some cosmic rubric, but rather how I reacted to what I was given. I also believe the very act of choosing to believe that which I know not of a surety but is true makes those beliefs a reality to me.

I believe my interaction with other people defines who I am. I believe every individual has his or her own unique theology, and that I can learn something from each of these perspectives and incorporate it into my own. Who I have become internally may be in part a product of my external environment, but it also shapes the way I perceive the world around me.

Finally, I believe I have the authority to act in the name of God and that this authority was restored to the Earth in modern times through Joseph Smith. Jesus is the Christ. This book contains a true account, and was translated under divine inspiration. Let it be known to all the world that I believe these things are true.

-John Patrick Nolan

There are moments I miss my brother so much, the pain in my heart feels like it will never go away. But I don't want it to go away. I feel like if it does I will lose him all over again. I look at my sweet Tessa, so fresh from heaven and know she was just with him. I wonder at what she remembers and he taught her. I love you so much, John. I miss you.


Six years later, the tears still fall. But peace still prevails.

Tessa Grace

Well, this little girl has been full of surprises from the start! Little (well, not so little) Tessa Grace made her earthly debut at 8:54 a.m. last Sunday morning. She was 10 pounds even and 20 inches. Aah... we like nice round numbers! And nice round babies!

Since having Lily last year, I have learned that sharing birthing stories among moms is sort of a rite of passage - you endure carrying this baby for 9 months, you get to tell the tale of giving birth as often as you want! And everyone else's stories become so much more interesting, even if you just want to compare it to your own!

So, for those wanting the details, here you go - (don't worry, I won't get too graphic!)

Last Saturday was a BUSY day - I had a lot of errands to run. Seuao and his friend were working on our basement (don't worry, I haven't blogged about that yet - I will...), and there was just a lot going on. I really didn't feel good most of the day, but figured it was just the normal aches and pains of being close to my due date. By Saturday night, I was pooped, Lily went to bed early, and I was ready to crash too. Seuao and his buddy had talked about going to see some "manly man" movie that I had NO interest in (and if they left, I would get the remote), so I sent him on his way. I kind of felt ok, ok enough to get a little sleep, but by 3:00 a.m. awoke with TERRIBLE pains. They weren't the "normal" labor pains you hear described, so I really wasn't sure what was going on. I flipped on the TV and sort-of watched some BYU devotional thing while I couldn't go back to sleep, (Seuao had just come home and crashed) and decided to watch the clock to see if these pains were regular at all. I discovered they were happening about every 6 or 7 minutes, but still, not what I went through with Lily and not what contractions are "supposed" to feel like. I called the hospital, and told them what was going on - they said it sounded like I was in labor, but to try a couple of things to see if it helps the pain at all.

So, I tried the couple of things - Seuao is snoring away - the BYU devotional ends, and the contractions are now about 4 or 5 minutes apart. I tried to wake up Seuao, but he was so out of it, he wasn't cluing in at all. See, with Lily, I had to be induced 6 days AFTER my due date. I had my induction scheduled for this baby too, but it wasn't for another week. We were about 4 days from my due date, but going into labor naturally wasn't something either of us saw coming at all! Of course my bag wasn't packed (a terrible side effect from all of the denial we are even having another baby), so while I tried to gather up a few things, crippling over in pain, attempting to wake my dead-to-the-world husband and NOT wake up Lily, I realized this may be the real thing.

I called Sarah around 6:00 a.m. and asked her if she would mind coming over to sit with Lily while we went to the hospital. Part of me still thought we would just get sent home; that I would be told to toughen up and wait. Then I would have another contraction - and I thought if this ISN'T labor, seriously just kill me now! Sarah got here around 6:30, and after literally having to threaten to drive myself to the hospital to get Seuao to pull it together and wake up, we did leave.

The drive to the hospital was excruciating - I didn't have to say anything when we walked in - it was pretty obvious why I was there! I got all hooked up and checked and was told I was already at 5.5 cm! Seuao started making phone calls (well, after he tried to get me to do it... what was he thinking? That I could talk on the phone to people while having contractions every 3 minutes??? Seriously!!!!) The first thing I said when we got there was "I need drugs!!!" It felt like forever before the anesthesiologist made it in there, and he wasn't very good. My epidural with Lily (although it wore off before it should have) went in beautifully. This one was terrible. Half an hour after he finished, my contractions were even more intense, and I had dilated to a 7. The nurse called him back in - he gave me more drugs, but no luck. They never kicked in. Oh, I take that back - my left thigh went numb for 2 days about an hour after the baby was born. Nice.

Things were moving so quickly, but at the same time it felt like time was standing still. The next thing I knew, it was time to push - the nurse was panicking because my doctor wasn't there yet, so she was calling everyone in to get ready. I pushed through two contractions with her. My doctor literally came running in, putting on his gloves by the time we got to the third contraction, and at 8:54 a.m. our baby was born! They placed her on my stomach, and I was so overwhelmed with emotion! I was in absolute amazement that this baby had come! So much denial for so long, and here she was. And she was perfect. I don't know how many times I said "I can't believe it!"




She was nameless for a couple of days. I don't know why I ended up giving in, but I am getting used to her name (even if I did cry the first few times I said it...) She is such a miracle and a gift from heaven. She looks exactly like Lily, but her temperament seems much milder (not a bad thing!) She is beautiful in every way, and I feel so very unworthy to be the mother of these babies.

This is Tessa

This is Lily... CRAZY!

To Tessa and Lily, you are my life and my heart. I cannot imagine loving you more, although I know every minute of every hour of every day my heart will swell more and more with love and gratitude to my Heavenly Father for sending you to me. My two beautiful angels.

Filter

You know the filter I'm talking about (no, not some new random car part to send to Samoa) - the filter that stops us from saying exactly what's on our mind... I don't think we're born with it (I'm pretty sure Lily hasn't developed hers yet), but generally I'm a pretty good thinker before I'm a speaker. I can usually keep my cool. Well, at this point in my pregnancy the filter is GONE.

I'm at work today - sitting here 5 days away from my due date - growing more and more irritated with the things around me. These are things that really shouldn't irritate me, but I'm having a tough time keeping a rational mind! The teeniest tasks become huge drama in my brain. I have no desire to keep anyone happy, or to even try to smile to the people around me.

Yesterday I had to send an email to a guy I work with who was out of the office, to apologize for loosing my cool with some stupid bank person who wanted to talk to him, but wasn't listening to me tell her she had the wrong guy!

In fact, the other day I was talking to my mom, and instead of being happy for her getting new couches (finally finally finally), I was irritated that she hadn't told me about them herself, and I had to hear about them from my BROTHER - even after talking to her that morning.

All of this stuff is so stupid. But if one more pile of paperwork from our other office comes onto my desk today expecting me to (heaven forbid) do my job, heads may roll!!!!

(Is there any doubt that I haven't had this baby yet???)

My Lily

Mary put this collage of pictures together of Lily, and how could I resist not sharing it! The funniest part about these pictures is the range of emotions this kid went through all in the space of about 90 seconds!

I can't believe how fast she's growing up. She is learning so many new things - and talking like crazy! She LOVES seeing kitty cats ("keh keh") and dogs ("wfff wfff") and definitely knows how to ask for a banana ("na na na na na na na na"). Just the other day she has started saying "tiko tiko" and will tickle any toes she can find!

Lately she has been cracking us up with her personality. Only a little while ago, she changed her hello/goodbye wave from the cute backwards opening & closing her hand to a full-on Miss America wave. She loves telling anyone and everyone "Hiiiiii" and "Byyyyeeeee"

A little while ago she was playing with her toys and came up to us with her snap beads. She had about 3 or 4 of them connected, and while trying to bend them, groaned, strained her face and acted like she was flexing all of her muscles. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen! Now she'll show us her muscles trying to bend just about anything.

She loves walking around with blankets on her head. She doesn't mind that she runs into everything, in fact, I think that's why she does it! (Sometimes she's a little crazy...)

I cannot tell you how much this kid loves reading stories. Every night that's all she wants to do - look at book after book after book. I MUST expand our library! I'll read her the story, then she'll read it back to me. She's even pretty good with the pages - only one page ripping casualty so far! Not too bad!

Lately I have really noticed how much she pays attention to what Wow and I do. Sometimes when I go to pick her up, she'll grunt or groan - like she's the one that's straining! I didn't clue in on this until I heard myself doing it (picking up a 27 pound kid with a ginormous bowling ball in front of you is not easy!) I knew it was bad when I saw her bend over to pick up some toy off the floor and did the same thing!

Lily has been super attached to me lately. I think she senses the changes coming. She knows what babies are, and whenever we see one she says "ba ba", but when I point to my tummy and say "baby" she looks at me like I don't know what I'm talking about. I can just hear her little mind saying "um, I'm sorry Mom, but that is NOT a baby - don't you know what a baby is???"

I just love this kid so much. I look at her and can't believe that she's mine! I love you baby girl!